Divine Plagiarism

So there are more prayers that I feel He has given me. More things I have felt when most at peace with Him. I don’t know how much sense they will make, but I will share them nonetheless. The first thing I felt, a couple of days ago, was about waiting for her. The question was, ‘how long will you wait?’ And I felt my answer was, ‘I will wait as long as it takes, I will wait as long as You let me.’ There is a prayer that goes with that one as well. If she will never walk this path, then I ask Him to take this from my heart entirely. To focus that sense of destiny, of wonderment upon someone who can walk that path. Someone who would appreciate it. Someone who would consider my love a blessing, not an insult. He has not done that yet. I will keep praying.

Another prayer was to ask God to fight for her. My hands are weak. I cannot save her. But He can. There are clearly parts of her heart she has not faced, parts of herself she is afraid of. He loves her. I ask Him to fight for her. Whether or not He chooses me as an instrument for that prayer, I pray. Whether or not, after He wins all of her heart, He chooses to give it to me, I pray. This is my prayer. That she would find freedom. For the first step to her setting a people free is being freed herself. But even the very wise cannot see all ends. And I am hardly one of those.

There was one more prayer, one that took my breath away. I saw an image in my mind, one I had seen before, of walking on water. Having walked through the storm, and still found the water firm beneath my feet, I kept walking toward Jesus. And glancing to the side, I saw someone else walking on water toward Him. And I knew that I would start drowning if I looked at her. But if I kept walking toward Him, we would meet there. So I will keep my focus on Him and I will keep walking.

One consideration I have not addressed is one of practicalities. Were God to answer my prayers, what would it look like? What would the humiliation of myth into fact, its exaltation into reality, look like here? How could this actually occur between two people with such a, how to say, unique past? This is a flight of fancy. Not the hope. The hope is in God. But the idea about how it would occur. I am not the author. I am a character. So I don’t think the story will play out the way I plan, certainly it hasn’t so far. But it was intriguing, if unproductive, thinking about it. Here are some of those thoughts.

I think that the story (and the characters) would be relaxed. Far more relaxed than any other time. Because this time, I am secure that God’s will is going to be done. Even though I cannot know that will totally, I can relax in the thought that all will for the good if I am passionately following Him. In His will, I find the room to relax, to let go of control. To quit trying so hard to say and do everything perfectly. Instead of having perfect words, I would have my words. Which I would hope would echo His words. So in His hands, I find the room to breathe. I think, this relaxing toward her would happen before God would bring her and I together, if He were to do so. And if it were His will that she and I would be together, He would make it happen, even despite both of our silly and foolish actions. This is especially strange, given the level of emotion that is in my prayers. But in those prayers, I have found that in seeking Him first, all the other things seem to fall into place. Even if you don’t have the perfect words all the time.

I think there would probably be a reconciliation period. Where we rebuilt trust, both between ourselves and between us and the significant relationships of the other. There would need to be, I think, after the initial meeting a time where we talked together, talked about some of the things that had gone wrong between us, and reconciled with each other (forgiveness, contrition, then reconciliation.) Time where we approached God, first individually, and then together, about His will concerning us, whether we should talk or not, and if so, whether he was leading toward platonic friends, or as intentional friends (reference previous Honor email.) Then, I think, there would be a time where I established relationships with her friends, and her with mine, where they could get to know each of us in harmony, not in the car-wreck symphony of the past. I would want to be intentional, I think, about getting to know the people who she cares about and who care about her, as a function of getting to know her again for the first time. And I would want to equally intentional in listening, trying to understand her on her terms. And in meeting her there. And over time, God willing, trust would be rebuilt with both of us.

If we were to become intentional friends, I think that it would be slow, but deliberate. I would want to fast and pray with her, to ensure we were in the center of His will. If I cannot find her in the center of His will, I will not wrestle Him for her. And if she cannot find me in the center of His will, I would do her no favors to ask her to continue. If she and I both felt His leading to proceed to something romantic, I would find great delight in finding ways to win her heart. I would want to discover the ways that she wants to be loved, and love her in those ways. Ideas like roses and poems, all the things of stories would fill my heart. I will not describe these ideas. I intend to save them for the woman that God gives me, whether He answers my prayer that He would change her heart, or whether He answers the prayer that He would change mine. So I suppose my flight of fancy ends here.

This is only a thought of what my hopes realized might look like. Perhaps God will change my hopes and desires. Perhaps He will meet those desires in ways I cannot yet imagine. Perhaps things are in motion that cannot be undone. I’ve pretty much got it wrong so far, but that’s what keeps the story interesting. You never know what’s behind the next page.

This is the last post I put together before my fast on talking about her began. I offer that up to God as part of my relaxing on this thing. Because if your hands are clenched tight, He cannot put anything in them.