Divine Plagiarism

This weekend I remembered what it is all about. Not just this story. All stories. I was on a Navigators' Retreat, and one of the guys I went with got saved. Praise God. I was sitting there as his face broke like the dawn, as he experienced Christ's love directly for the first time. It was amazing.

I used to think that the allegorical interpretation of Song of Solomon (Christ and the church) was just an excuse whereby people uncomfortable with discussing sexuality were able to pretend the Bible doesn't talk about sex. I was wrong. I remember sitting there as this guy was asking Jesus to give him new life, and I felt as if I was one of the friends in that book, participating in the joy of the Bridegroom as He comes to claim His beloved. My thought was 'come and claim your beloved, Lord.' This was deeply true. True beyond arguments, or proofs, just true.

The weekend was a good chance to recenter and reflect, to consider origins and destinations. I recieved more confirmation about this crazy 'missionary to closed countries' idea. I'm totally psyched about it. It seems as if I wasn't the only one with this idea. I'd love to write out my evil plans and conspiracies to reach the world for Christ, but this is the internet and all. Some of the opportunities to reach closed countries have things to do with some professional skills and opportunites I have that I am, say, hesitant to discuss here. That said, if you're reading this blog, you probably know me already, so if you email me, Id be glad to tell you about it. Outside of that medium, suffice it to say that God is starting to put flesh on some crazy dreams I have been dreaming for a while, dreams where all the gifts and hopes and passions I have would be poured out to win this world for Him.

This, of course, does play into the parallel story about C. It explains alot of what I got right and what I got wrong. In accordance with my over-sized ego, Ill start with what I got right. I finally understand why she is so different from any other heartbreak. Why the destiny part of my heart locked on her and would not break lock, no matter how hard I tried. It seems the destiny part of my heart understood these deep dreams before my conscious mind really did or could. (Took a lot of surrendering.) There have always been three rules for relationship for me. Rule #1) Loves the Lord her God with all her heart, soul, mind and strength. Rule #2) Dreams the same dreams that I do. Rule #3) Has the strength to live those dreams. It is strange. I am not dreaming these dreams for her. I am dreaming them for Jesus. I am kind of glad Im not talking to her as I sort these things out. It keeps my motives more pure. (Kind of hard to do something just to make a relationship possible, when it would take a miracle for anythign to be possible.)

What I got wrong. I put the cart before the horse. The sequence goes Master-Mission-Mate. The first time things changed was when I quit wrestling God for her, when I put finally realized that Jesus loved her more than I ever could. Now, as I am startign to understand my mission, I start to see why I feel the way I feel. The difference between an awesome girl and one who can be a companion on your path is finding that path. You seek the one who can walk with you. But she is placed in a different light in this realization. I believe firmly that she can walk this path. That this is her path as well. And this is why I fight so hard. My prayer is changed again. 'Break her heart and break mine, Lord, bring us together that we may win this world for You.' Not as succinct, I suppose.

Touching on a few concerns. Falsifiabilty. Even blind faith has reasons. Abraham goes to the mountain because he believes that God told him to. Had he not believed that, he would have been insane to go. My crazy hopes for me and C are totally based on the sense that God is in this somehow. So my point of falsifiabilty is this 'path of destiny' thing. The second I stop believing that she has it within her to dream these crazy dreams is the second I forget about her. I pray that God would let me know.

Limerance. Perhaps this whole thing is a seratonin-driven chemical logic override. Where all of this is some stupid crush, and my feelings are nothing any more lasting than neurotransmitters moving across synapses. That this is all about some mythical construct I have named C which embodies all my hopes and dreams, which bears little to no resemblance to the acutal woman I knew. This I have raised up in prayer. This was certainly a deep fear, for if were true I would be greatest amongst fools, another self-decieved Quixote jousting after windmills. I certainly did not want this to be true, but I had to be willing to hear God tell me if it was. You can't really ask God something unless you're willing to hear the answer. So as Job, you gird yourself like a man, and prepare to accept whatever answer He gives. He answered. For starters, limerance doesn't generally last three years. Limerance doesn't abide actually knowing the person. It sees them as an angel, incapable of wrong. If slighted, it can see the other as a devil, cruel and evil. I once saw her this way, I think. It was about two and a half years ago, which fits with limerance. Certainly now, though, I do not see her this way. She is a broken but redeemed child of of God, a 'crooked soul trying to stand up straight,' capable of fear and kindness, bravery and fallenness, a woman who runs and stands and is broken and healed all at once. A masterpiece being dusted off, one that sometimes cannot see itself as more than a rough canvas. Like all of us. She is the same mix I am, same mix all of us are, a fallen woman being redeemed, trying to keep her feet on a narrow path. Limerance does not provide you this degree of nuance. Ultimately, limerance does not change you. My feelings for her have caused me to draw in to God in a way I haven't before. My desire for her, and my frustration with my own inabilities to bring anything about through my own strength finally drove me to the foot of the cross, to lay my desires at my God's feet. The ways in which I was hurt allowed God to finally teach me how to walk through death and find new life, to refuse to run and hide in scars, to ask for a faith, hope and love that I dont have. This story has broken my own conceptions of who I thought I was, and allowed God to teach me who He wanted me to be, who I really was. I am certainly changed by this story. Limerance comes and goes, and in its wake the two people are the same as when they met each other. This is why marriages fail. Love changes two people, and love is about walking the same path. Limerance is about who the other person is. Love is about who you are together. I am only startign to understand this as I start to understand my path.

Deep fears. The enemy seems to attack faith by enumerating all the ways in which it could fail. He paints a picture of whatever would be the most painful and disastrous outcome. I had these fears that I would end up meeting her again, but when I did I would also meet some fiance/boyfriend of hers who was the embodiment of everything that got under my skin. I recognized this as not from God. God does not breathe over the coals of our fears. Attacked by this, my instinct would normally be to argue. This is because I am prideful. I finally learned to do something smarter. I rebuked the enemy, and gave it to God. God answered. I asked Him that if that were to happen that He would make me not desire her by that point. He gave me a better answer. 'My grace is sufficient.' He has given me the strength to endure the would-be death of my heart once. I should not doubt that He would do the same again. So my fears are disarmed again in the light of His grace. Perhaps, with a certain irony, it would take her getting into a relationship for her to realize how rare it is to be fought for the way I fought for her. One way or another, my heart is in the hands of Jesus. No amount of fear will cause me to take it from His hands, even this most vulnerable part.

Misunderstandings. As much as I didn't like it, I saw how she could have arrived at some conclusions given the assumptions she started with. If I believed that it was legitimate to dictate boundaries on feelings (rather than actions,) then my actions would consititute a lack of respect. If I started out with deep mistrust of someone's intentions, then I can see how she would have accused me of conspiring to manipulate her. I am grieved that those assumptions were not questioned, but starting there I can see where she reached her conclusions. This is not an apology. An apology implies being wrong. There are many things I needed to apologize for, many things I have been wrong about, and I have offered those apologies. This is not one of them. So if she has incorrect assumptions, perhaps I do as well. This may require an apology. I was so sure I knew so much, both about why I did certain things and why she did certain things. She seemed equally sure, about herself and me. I think we are equally wrong. And perhaps this was the root of many problems.

So, of course, it comes back to this miracle I am praying for. Only Jesus can truly reconcile broken hearts to broken hearts. Perhaps we must be broken first, then. Remembering back to the guy who got saved on the retreat, I was filled with the wonder and joy of reunion. If there is even an echo of the joy that was born between that man and God that evening, if even a glimmer of that can be found in the answer to these prayers about reunion and reconcliation, then it is worth it. A man in love will do crazy things.