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12 January 2007
There are No Sides.
The funny thing about an undeclared war is that people end up on sides without even knowing it. Without choosing or even being informed of it, the friends of the combatants find themselves drafted into the conflict. I recall something my friend S. said about C. ‘You know, I really don’t like her. I don’t think she’s a good person.’ My response was something to the effect of ‘that’s because you’re my friend. If you were her friend I imagine you’d think those things about me.’ So the enemy of my friend is my enemy. And the friend of my enemy is my enemy.
I think I now understand something about the rage that Pastor’s Kids feel toward God. Your father, the pastor, is far from perfect. In the bloody wars of adolescence, he hurts you badly. Perhaps rightly or wrongly from some fictional objective viewpoint, but certainly wrongly from your perspective. So the battle lines are drawn. You see how deeply your parent wounds you, but everyone in the church keeps talking about how great he is. The friend of my enemy is my enemy. They all side with him, whether or not they are aware of the war. And if the people of God side with your dad, then God sides with your dad. There is nowhere that you can go. So Tory Amos and Nietzsche and however many others set out on their war to tear the whole thing down around them.
The friend of my enemy is my enemy. Unless there is a deeper loyalty than friendship. If there were such a thing, then the friend of my enemy could be my friend. They could be a friend to both of us at once. A friend to one side would cheer for their side as the blows were exchanged. A friend to both sides would mourn as their friends continued to wound each other. They would desire an end to the war.
Joshua was preparing to attack Jericho, when he sees a man with sword drawn. He asks him, ‘whose side are you on?’ The man answers ‘I am on the Lord’s side.’ If God does not pick sides as His Chosen People set out to conquer the promised land on His orders, than how could I have imagined that He would have chosen sides in a conflict between two of His beloved children? He never did. He mourned for what she and I did to each other. He recognized my pain, legitimated it, and He heals it. He desires an end to the war.
Here at Urbana, I am surrounded by a distinct impression of her diffused influence. This is her world, these are her friends, these are her ministries. This is her legacy. I am certain that the stock of C. in this place is quite higher than my own. I have to say that is not the most comfortable of experiences. The friend of my enemy is my enemy, and her accusations echo off the walls of this place. All twenty thousand pointing fingers tell me to leave it alone. There are two sides, and I know which one they will choose. Maybe, though, there is a better side to choose than hers or mine.
It was another function of my pride, I think, when I chose not to talk to mutual friends about the story. She accused me of using her friends against her. I was so determined to disprove that accusation through my own strength that I determined that no mutual friend who did not already know about the story would find out about it. Doing so, I cut myself off from much wise council. This was foolish. I reject her accusation wholeheartedly. It was entirely appropriate to discuss this with my mentors. The fact that they know her does nothing to change that.
I didn’t want a trial by friends. I stopped wanting that months ago. I didn’t want to be right, I didn’t care about being right. I didn’t want them to choose my side, I didn’t want them to side with me against her, I didn’t need to hear that I was a great guy and she was cruel to me. Being right is cold solace for one who desires reconciliation. In telling the story, I saw something far more valuable in my friends’ eyes. I found that I was okay. That it was understandable to feel the way I did. That I wasn’t crazy to feel what I felt.
I guess that I had always thought that her para-church ministry sided with her. They didn’t. There were never any sides. I think back to the mistake of Palm Sunday. The city of Jerusalem asks God to side with them against the Romans. On that day, Hosanna meant ‘God, take my side,’ not ’Lord, save.’ When He fails to do so, they have no further use for Him. They were more wrong than they could have imagined. His side was better than their own, better than the Roman side, better than all sides. I want to be Joshua at Jericho. I am tired of my side. I want to be on the Lord’s side.
Really, they wanted what I wanted. Not all of it, I guess. But part of it. They wanted reconciliation. I wanted reconciliation. Whatever other stories are happening here, whatever God is or is not doing, I know with all my heart that He desires reconciliation between His children. So, in prayer and accountability, I pursued reconciliation. Never heard anything back. Still, my prayers go with her. May we be reconciled. I believe with all my heart that the Blood of Christ can take enemies and turn them into family. Amongst all the miracles that I am praying for, I believe that one is the closest to the center of His will.
[Note: Before writing this post, I sent an email to someone from undergrad who I would have once considered an enemy. It seems like forever ago, and it was almost a decade, but I don’t think I would have ever called that person a friend. God put it on my heart to make things right with them. I sent them an email, asking for reconciliation, and apologizing if I had hurt them. I just got an email back from them, saying the same things back. Praise God. I do not think that I could have imagined being reconciled to that person eight years ago. But I was quite a different person eight years ago. There were never any sides. Praise God that through His Blood enemies can become family. May He bless my sibling greatly.]
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Comments
So how was the conference !
Posted by: actofkindness | 13 January 2007
It was awesome! The one thing I missed was getting to see Steve Saint. Otherwise, it was great. God challenged me in some very direct and unexpected ways, and I grew in ways I wasn't planning on growing.
Got to work on my crazy missionary theories (even did an all-nighter writing the 10 page draft.) I can send it to ya if you want... (My email is Nevidimka_01@hotmail.com.)
Did you get to go? There were a bunch of great microfinance as missions organizations, and one of my friends is heading one up (Hope International.) Good stuff, demonstrative evangelism with dignity. Rock on.
God bless ya!
Dave
Posted by: Dave | 16 January 2007