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06 October 2007
Shorter Paths (Part 2.)
The more I learn about each of our and all of our histories, the more I realize there are only a couple of stories. There are different stages for each rendition, varied props and assorted casts of extras, but ultimately Solomon is right: there is nothing new under the sun. So we choose our roles and we play them to whatever end. And this is where the analogy fails: Fantine dies on the five hundredth night of Les Miserables as surely as she does on the first. In each retelling Valjean finds redemption and Javert does not. One singer may play Marius well, another poorly, but he will always marry Cosette. A character’s lines are unchanging… you are judged by how well you perform them; you can affect quality but not outcome. It does not seem that our stories are quite as fixed.
Perhaps, then, we live in a football game. The way we play determines the outcome. It is not enough to stay within the prescribed rules of the game… no one has ever won a football game simply by not incurring penalties. But many have lost a game by doing so. So within the boundaries of the field, we write a free-flow drama where actions determine outcomes. The quality of the game is determined by the play of both sides in concert, while the outcome of the game is determined by the play of both sides in opposition. And here this analogy fails as well: I cannot imagine our Adversary demonstrating good sportsmanship.
So we are caught in between. Improvised interpretations of a theme, vignettes balanced upon the edge of a knife. Somewhere in between sport and drama is combat. You know the script, but your adversary is constantly trying to thwart your plans. Only skill and wisdom lie between a successful mission and a flaming wreckage. So we are the tightrope walkers, balanced by God’s council, on our way across a canyon. But wisdom is no dictator, and gravity is more than willing to do its duty. Let us then be thankful for the safety net of God’s grace.
There’s one thing worse than completely sucking at something. That’s finding someone who just did a great job at the thing you sucked at. That is, unless and until you can find the humility to learn from them. And then it becomes the best thing.
The story was far more common than I had realized. I’ve seen two near verbatim retellings of my story in the lives of my friends, along with countless variations on the theme. One is still in process… I pray she finds the courage to end it well (and I pray that he finds any courage at all.) The second, well, it ended quite well. And in this is a quite significant revelation: one person can change the quality of the story greatly, but it takes two people to change the outcome.
It’s an ancient equation: the will and heart mismatch. One person desires the other as more than friends, and the other desires only friendship. Throw in a little bit of human fallenness, and the story usually includes the ’just-friends’ character offering and taking more than they really should, and the ‘more-than-friends’ character asking more than they really should. There’s only a couple ways that it can end, really. One may change their will, and they become more than friends. The other may find their heart changed, and they stay just friends. Of course, if neither change, the interaction must at some point end. The courage and honor that both characters show toward each other determine the manner of ending.
I can tell you how to end it poorly. Have the ‘just-friends’ character start telling the other how they should feel. Use interaction as a weapon in order to manipulate their feelings. And then have the ‘more-than-friends’ character start telling the other what they should do. Have them both resent the other, one resenting the other’s will for not respecting their heart, the other resenting their counterpart’s heart for not respecting their will. Throw in a dash of pride, ensuring that neither looks inside to find the source of the dissonance. Garnish it all with selfishness, where one offers inappropriate emotional intimacy outside of any real commitment, and the other eagerly accepts it as an avenue to their heart. Shake it all up, add some heat, and stand back.
In retrospect, I may be able to tell you how to end it better. Have the ’more-than-friends’ character guard their own heart. Have them relinquish their heart into God’s hands, and trust His plan and His timing. Have them respect their own heart enough to safeguard it for someone who will treasure it, have them respect the other’s decisions as legitimate. Have them become secure enough in God to realize that He loves the other more than they possibly could, to realize that God does not need our help to accomplish His will, to realize that God does not give us desires in vain. And have them prepare to walk away if they need to, realizing that walking away may be the best way to honor the other if the other has no intention to honor you. First and foremost, have them learn contentedness.
Notice that the outcome does not change. Only the quality of the story and the collateral damage. This is not saying that the outcome cannot change. But that takes two people.
And this is the story of my two friends. Reading the account of their relationship was almost like reading my own, except in an alternate universe where everything ends well. Perhaps more accurately, in this universe between two people far less proud and far more willing to honor each other. They honor God and each other at every step, even when they are navigating their own fears. It is almost the same exact transcripts, the same songs, the same stories, but without the broken trust and venom. And with a lot more courage on both parts.
There are only a few stories and only a few endings. One will or one heart will eventually change. Yet even in this is a trap. Outcomes can only be reached together, but we are responsible only for our own actions. Concern yourself with outcomes, and you will inevitably desire to change the other. But they are not yours to change, they are God’s alone, unless and until He entrusts them to you. So concern yourself with obedience, and God will change you both.
Will v. Heart. One wins and one loses, it almost seems. No wonder it becomes adversarial. God is the only one who can break this paradox. In His plan, if one wins, the other doesn’t lose. If they both honor God, they will find the patience to let the story play out If they trust Him, they will learn to face their fears. If they honor each other, they will save each other much pain.
There was a person I one knew quite well, one who looks exactly like me (if a bit younger) who would have been jealous of my friends. ‘This should have been my story.’ But this was their story, and rightfully so. You see, ‘my’ is singular. ‘Theirs’ is plural. And this was the problem all along. What I wanted. Not what she wanted. Not how I could honor her. What I wanted. The fact that she and I had this in common does not make it right for either of us.
My heart was broken. Praise God. It was the greatest blessing that I never wanted, the difference between Old and New Dave. So I add one prayer: ‘break her will.’ May this be the greatest blessing that she never wanted. May it be the difference between Old and New C. This is the costliest and most precious blessing that I can give her… it was the costliest and most precious blessing that I received.
That boy has passed away. And for the better. Looking back, there was no way Old Dave and Old C. could have ever honored each other. They were both too scared, too arrogant and too selfish to reach outside of their safe worlds. Unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable both. Looking back, there is no way New Dave can honor Old C. beyond distance and prayers. But perhaps, and this is my deepest hope, New Dave and New C. can meet each other again for the first time. Perhaps the same story with two much improved characters can find a much better ending. But it is out of my hands. And my prayer remains the same: ‘change my heart or change hers.‘ Nonetheless, I am content here. I already have Everyone that I need.
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